Who knew

Who would have ever thought Mother’s Day could be so emotional? I can remember before we had TJ feeling a little sad on Mother’s Day because we had been trying for 2 years and hadn’t become parents yet. I’ve been celebrating this holiday for 10 years as a mom, and don’t remember crying on it this much ever before. In 2015 we had our first miscarriage, only 13 weeks along, and we lost the baby in May. Maybe it was just so long ago, that I don’t remember, or maybe I’ve blocked it as a coping mechanism.

This year we lost our second baby in March. He was 18 weeks and I had to deliver him and burry him. I guess it’s the freshness of those feelings (which I thought I was processing just fine) along with the anniversary of our first miscarriage that is just compounding the emotions.

I keep thinking: In addition to my 10 yr old and my 7 yr old, I should have a 3 yr old and be 2 months from delivering our 4th child. But both of those children are in heaven. I’m doing my best to stay positive and to trust God, but some days the tears just flow on their own. Today was one of those days. This is so hard and not many understand. I know it’s ok to be sad, but it makes everyone around me worry. And it’s embarrassing to randomly start crying in public. I wish I had a positive end for this post. That I could say “I did this, and feel better, with no more random tears”. But I can’t say that. I’m going to keep praying, hoping, and moving forward but I know, I will still randomly start crying (sometimes without even knowing why I started).

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