Compartmentalizing

I was at a regular checkup, expecting to find out what the midwife thought about my high blood pressure, hear my baby’s heartbeat, and then go visit my parents. But it wasn’t a regular checkup. We talked about my blood pressure, and some tests she wanted me to do. Then she used her little machine to find the baby’s heartbeat. But she couldn’t find it. She acted like it was pretty common and got me next in line for an ultrasound to check on the baby and find the heartbeat. But she couldn’t see any movement or a heartbeat. So, she went and got an OB that works in her office and had her try, by this time I knew something was wrong. I was praying that the ob would find the heartbeat and say everything was fine, but was already trying to hold tears in. I was 18 weeks, this shouldn’t be happening. Don’t get me wrong, I know it happens. I know baby’s are stillborn at 40 weeks. But after my last miscarriage at 12 weeks,I just couldn’t believe that I was losing this baby at 18 weeks. It just wasn’t fair.

The OB came in and used the ultrasound machine to try to find a heartbeat, but she couldn’t. My heart broke into a million pieces but only a few tears escaped. They told me that this far along in pregnancy, I would need to be induced to deliver this baby. A few more tears fell. The midwife asked if I needed a note to get out of work, and I said, “no, I think I’ll do better if I’m distracted.” I texted tony, went and had a blood draw done, and went home for a bit. All this time I would cry a little in the car and then pull myself together because I was out in public and really didn’t want any one asking me what was wrong, because then the floodgates would open. Which kind of happened when I talked to Tony and when I told my parents. But I was able to pull myself back together, and keep moving along with my day. I worked two days and only teared up once or twice each day, when it was brought to the front of my thoughts. I don’t think anyone I interacted with even realized I was going through this emotional overload.

I’m scheduled to be induced, I haven’t told the boys but I have a plan for them while I spend the night in the hospital to deliver a baby that I won’t get to watch grow up. Another baby that made it to heaven before me. This is so hard. I wake up at 4 am and can’t go back to sleep. All I can think about is my baby that I was so excited to snuggle and watch grow. And then I cry.

I wish I knew why. I want to understand what I’m supposed to learn or gain from this second loss. I know that God has a plan, and that, for some reason, this is a part of it. I’m trying to trust Him but it’s hard when it hurts so much. Please keep us in your prayers while we try to find a new normal, again, in our lives.

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