Miscarriage fears, faith, and a great God

Warning: girl problems and body parts discussed read at your own risk.

At 12 weeks in my third pregnancy I had a miscarriage. Today I’m 12 weeks 4 days and I’ve had some miscarriage symptoms along with some odd bladder issues. A little spotting, some cramping, and difficulty urinating over the last two days. I wasn’t too worried about it even with the cramping yesterday, I figured it was gas from eating something new the night before. This morning I was scared. Some flesh was blocking my vaginal opening, and I was bleeding around that flesh. I called the emergency OB number as talked to the triage nurse, who recommended being seen today. Unfortunately, that meant I had to cancel my sub job at the last minute, to be available, since I couldn’t schedule the appointment until 9am (my job started at 8:30).

I didn’t call my husband and I didn’t tell my parents (one of the few people who know we are expecting). I didn’t want to say it out loud. I may be having a miscarriage. I just kept moving and kept praying.

I still dropped G off at my parents and then headed home to drink the breakfast smoothie I forgot in the fridge on my way out the door and to wait impatiently for 9am when I could call the Dr and schedule something. Instead of sitting here crying, I prayed. I asked St Gerard and St Nicholas to protect my baby and I asked God to help me to trust him and accept his plan for our family.

A little after 8:30 I got a call from the OBs office, she had a message from the triage nurse and was calling to fit me in to the schedule. 11 am was the earliest appointment they had, so I took it. I divided time between reading (to distract myself) researching my symptoms on the internet, and repeating my prayers from earlier.

At 10:45, I got up and headed to the Dr. after leaving a urine sample and waiting for the nurse/Dr to be ready, I was called back. Weighed in, BP checked, meds reviewed, the usual nurse chit chat and then more waiting for the Dr.

She came in and I told her all my symptoms from the last few days. She decides to do a pelvic exam, and says, “it sounds like prolapse”. Which was exactly what I read online, it means my pelvic floor muscles are weak (and lazy) and my uterus is no longer up where it should be. My cervix is hanging down at by Vaginal opening and sometimes poking through the opening. (You can read a better description here https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/305971.php)

So, my cervix is blocking my vaginal opening, but the blood was not from my uterus (which I heard as good news). This issue is what is causing my bladder issues. She did an ultrasound while I was there and the baby was low and hard to see, but it was moving around and had a good heartbeat.

Thank you God!

The treatment is Kegel exercises for now and physical therapy to strengthen my pelvic floor after the pregnancy. If that doesn’t work, then surgery. But hopefully it will work.

My prayers were answered today, the baby is fine, and I will continue to offer up my fears to God and ask for the strength to trust Gods plan-whatever it may be.

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I can feel it!

Last week I felt some little flips always in the same spot of my lower belly. I thought it must be the baby. At only 11 weeks, it’s a little early to feel the baby’s movement but not unheard of.

This weekend we were at family camp (a T1D camp we attend every October) and I stopped avoiding carbs and was probably a little more active than I have been at home. I realized on Sunday night that I hadn’t felt any movement all weekend. Not that what I felt last week was in any way regular or trackable. But to not feel anything for 3 days? I started to worry, and then, I started to pray. I asked God to take my fear and fill me with faith. I prayed to St. Gerard, St. Panteleimon, and St. Nicholas asking for them to intercede to God for us. And I kept living life, turning to prayer whenever I started to worry again.

Today I had a Dr appointed, so I wasn’t available to work, but the Dr cancelled because he was sick, so I stayed home. I found some time (thanks to my husband-who took today off work to recoup from camp) to take a bath. While I was relaxing in the warm water reading a book, I started feeling movement again. I’m so glad! This little baby was doing dramatic flips or using my uterus as a trampoline for 15 minutes! The movements were so strong it created ripples in the tub water.

God is good!

This pregnancy was a bit of a surprise, and while I’m super excited, it’s hard for me to trust that this baby will go full term. After two miscarriages at 13 weeks and 18 weeks, I’m not sure when I will trust this baby will survive, maybe not until I’m holding him (or her) in my arms. Until then I will keep praying and trusting that Gods plan is what is best for us.

On a side note, I am officially back to eating low carb, no artificial sweeteners and looking forward to feeling better again. I had an upset stomach almost the whole weekend that I ate carbs. Don’t get me wrong, the milkshake I had was delicious, the hash-browns with ketchup were yummy, and the Red Robin fries with honey mustard every thing I remembered. I am learning that sometimes a splurge is ok, but to be prepared for the yucky feeling afterwards. 😜 and to get back on track ASAP!

When faith wins

When I found out I was pregnant again after 2 miscarriages, I was afraid. I was worried I would be afraid the whole pregnancy, but I gave my fear to God and asked him to full me with his faith. And it worked!

Every time I feel worried or scared, I just ask God to take my fear and then I let it go. It hasn’t been easy. I had days of spotting and even passed a couple small blood clots (which was how my first miscarriage started). It’s early in this pregnancy, which is when most miscarriages occur, but I have faith in God, that he wants what is best for me.

I have not been sleeping very well for weeks, but every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I start praying the Jesus prayer. For myself and this pregnancy, for my friend who just found out her baby has trisomy 18, for a friend who’s husband just had his foot amputated, for a friend who had a brain surgery for the 3rd time, for a family members brother who is fighting cancer, lung disease, and an aneurism, for my friends who suffer from anxiety or depression. And I’m filled with peace and Gods love.

I pray that God will let me bring this baby into the world and raise him, but I ask God to help me accept His will in all things. And I keep praying “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have mercy on me, a sinner.”

St Gerard, pray to God for us!

Oh great Martyr and Healer Panteleimon pray to God for us!

St Nikolas, Pray to God for us!

Oh, Blessed Virgin Mary, intercede with your Son for us!

Fear vs. Faith

I’m not even sure how to put this into words. I just found out I’m pregnant, as in just took a test and looked at my calendar and am only 5-6 weeks along. Way too early to start telling everyone, but after two miscarriages I find that I have some extreme emotions about this pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I already love this child and can’t wait to hold him or her in my arms. Instead of the excited joy I felt when I found out I was expecting TJ and G and even Luke (miscarriage #1), the apprehensive hope I felt with Peter (traumatic miscarriage #2), I feel fear. I’m so scared that I will lose this baby too. It was so hard to get back to some semblance of normal after I delivered Peter, I felt so lost, I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle another loss like that.

So, I’ve been praying a lot more, since finding out about this pregnancy. Asking God to take my fear and fill me with faith. Every time the fear starts to creep in, I turn it over to God. He will take care of me, if I just put my faith in him.

I’m also sad, that I can’t just be excited. I don’t know when to tell my boys, since our last miscarriage was at 18 weeks, they knew about it and were sad to not help raise their brother. But would I try to hide it from them if I could? It’s part of life, learning to deal with loss, right? And children are resilient.

I’m so blessed to have my faith in God, my loving husband, two boys who keep me busy, and 2 angels in heaven asking God to take care of us. Maybe this tiny bundle of joy growing within me will be the biggest blessing for our little family. I pray that I get to hold him/her and watch him/her grow on this earth. Please pray for us too, you can never have too many people praying for you 💜 and we could use all the prayer we can get.

A real Mt Rainier hike

After being drastically less active over the last year, I decide to join a friend on a hike. 5 miles, shouldn’t be too bad, it’s kid friendly. Right? 🤣

It was beautiful and it was amazing! But there were times that I struggled. I had to keep telling myself,”just take a step” over and over, to keep moving up the hill.

And then I’d reach a level spot and get my energy back and other times I ran to catch up or to motivate my boys to pick up the pace a little. Thank God, I had many second winds on this hike.

This really was an awesome hike. We saw a little hot spring, a waterfall, crossed a suspension bridge, saw really old, huge trees and even played in the river a little.

We saw lots of interesting bark patterns on the different trees.

We had a picnic lunch on a fallen log over the River after the boys took off their shoes and played in the glacial river.

Then we hiked up to the patriots grove.

Then we hiked some more, back over the suspension bridge and finished the loop back toward the car.

Again the trail went up and down, I was exhausted and then had energy. We had fun with pictures, and made it back to the parking lot. But instead of heading back to the car, we went down another short trail to a beautiful view of the river.

We hung out there for a little bit and enjoyed the views. Then we headed to the car but there were great views of the river again!

We had an amazing day! Thanks to my friend Noelle, who showed us where to go and for putting up with our out of shape slowness. 😜

After we got back to her car and dropped her off, we headed straight to the ymca for G to go to his rock wall climbing class. TJ decided to try out the equipment while we waited. He tried a treadmill and a stationary bike and then learned about all the machines he’s allowed to use and earned a bracelet that lets him use the equipment.

But the most amazing part of the day was how well TJ’s blood sugars cooperated!

He was in range the whole time! I barely dosed him for his lunch, but he didn’t spike, just stayed between 90 and 150, like magic! We carried in tons of sugar, expecting lows left and right, but he did not have one single low! Such a blessing!

Once we got in the car he did start running high and going up, but I still under dosed for his snacks, just in case the exercise brings him down later. It can effect his blood sugar even hours after he’s done being active.

And we just keep treating the number and moving on.

Thanks again Noelle! And thanks T1 for not ruining our day today. 💜

Day trip road trip

Today we went on a road trip for just one day. I thought I was crazy for driving 3 hours one way and the getting back in the car to drive back the same day, but it really wasn’t as bad as I feared.

I packed lunch, dinner, and snacks for TJ, G, and myself, loaded up the car and headed out shortly after 8 this morning.

We drove about half an hour to a Starbucks where we met up with some friends and I got the boys a hot chocolate (no chai for me! I even surprised myself). We exchanged walkie talkie so the kids could talk between cars and headed off again. The kids started playing games: searching for each letter of the alphabet, and a game TJ called suitcase. It didn’t last long though, and we turned on audible in our car. We are currently listening to “Harry Potter and the goblet of fire” and it keeps the boys quiet in the car. After one pit stop to get gas and a potty break we were back on the road. And about an hour later we were there! Lake Quinault. It was so beautiful! We stopped at the ranger station and got lifetime passes for our T-1 kids. It was so easy! I brought one of TJs reports from one of his endocrinologist appointments, and she had TJ sign his pass and gave us a recommendation on where to go for our picnic lunch. The kids were all starving, until we got to the lake where we were ready to eat.

Then, the just wanted to play in the lake.

They had so much fun playing in the water. And they found time to eat too.

After a couple hours of playing and eating, we packed our stuff back into the cars and get some dry clothes on (funnily enough my boys changed into dry swimsuits after swimming in their clothes) and went on a short hike in the rainforest.

We hiked about .5 a mile up to a little waterfall.

And then back down.

Some of the littles were tired 😴 but we all made it back.

Then it was back into the cars to head home. No walkie talkies this time, just more Harry Potter and lots of eating. 🤣 I thought I packed enough food for 2 meals plus snacks, but the boys ate every bite and kept saying they were hungry. At our pit stop on the way back, our friends offered some bread and G gladly accepted, but TJ wasn’t interested. I found a bag of peanuts in my purse and they gobbled those up too.

We made the return drive with no major incidents but the boys fell asleep when we were about 10 minutes from home.

I think they had fun! I know I did! 💜

This was supposed to be the month…

I should be huge, uncomfortable, irritated by the weather, using 5 pillows to sleep at night, but super excited and ready to hold my baby. My little boy who was born in March and never took a breath. It should’ve been this month, his due date was this month.

It’s crazy how often this thought occurs to me. I doubt any one else remembers that we were due in July, just me. And it’s too hard to talk about.

I’m so emotional this month, crying all the time, but trying to hide the tears. A woman who sat behind us at church hugged me after Mass and told me “I raised five boys.” She was trying to encourage me with my boys, but I couldn’t even respond, I started crying and rushed out. I should have had three boys with me that Sunday, and one still in my womb. But God took my two youngest before I could get to know them.

I get such mixed feelings when I see moms with new babies or beautiful pregnant bellies, I’m still excited for them, but I’m a little sad at the same time. I’ve always loved babies and that hasn’t changed, I just miss a couple of them, miss what could have been. I’ve been watching Bones again on Amazon Prime, and last night was the night she and Booth watched the ultrasound of their daughter. I had a flash back to my last ultrasound at 18 weeks, where they couldn’t find a heartbeat, and my heart broke all over again.

It’s crazy how much harder this is the second time around. I don’t remember it being this hard after our first miscarriage but maybe I’ve just blocked it out over time and it’s all coming back this time?

I know God has a reason for what happened and I trust him to hold me through this but I’m still an emotional mess. I’m living life, taking care of my boys, making meals, cleaning house, meeting up with friends, and trying to stay busy this summer but sometimes I cry myself to sleep asking God to help me through this. I’m hopeful that by writing this all out and sharing it, I will feel a little better and maybe someone else who is feeling the same way will feel a little better too, or at least not so alone.

Fort Steilacoom

We went to a living history museum today. It was really interesting to see how people lived in the late 1800’s. I was surprised at how different this fort was from Fort Nisqually. There were no high walls, but unlike the fur trader fort, which had valuable furs to protect, Fort Steilacoom was a military fort full of soldiers, which deterred attacks.

We learned how soldiers loaded and fired a musket and a revolver, and looked at all the things they carried with them in their packs.

The boys got to taste hard tack, the cracker that solders were given as rations. They thought it was good!

The boys were interested in these signs that they labeled law breakers with.

We learned how to play a couple games: close the box and baseball with dice.

The boys played checkers in the barracks while I chatted with a volunteer. I learned that the solders slept 2 to a bunk, head to foot. It sounds uncomfortable to me but was heavenly to these men used to sleeping on the floor in small European homes with large families. Most of the soldiers were recruited right off the boat from England in San Francisco. And it turned out the volunteer was a Dmom too! Her T1 daughter was diagnosed at the age of 10 and is currently in her 30’s.

The man who designed this tent and stove was a soldier who sold them to the army. The army paid him for every tent and stove until he left to join the confederate army, then the union army continued producing and using the tents and stoves, but no longer paid him for them.

Gabriel ground coffee and then we learned how to aim and fire a cannon.

After our visit to the fort and a lunch out, we stopped by the library to check out some books and the boys decided to play a game of battleship before we headed home.

Summer fun

Summer is here! We have been keeping busy, playing with friends doing daily school work, chores, and enjoying the sun (when it decides to shine).

We even went to wild waves with friends and had fun going down water slides and floating in the lazy river under a cloudy sky).

But today was the first day I checked something off of our summer bucket list!

And then I realized that it’s the second thing we’ve done on the list. 😳 oops! I had to check off two things, because we also saw a movie in the movie theater. Today, we visited Point No Point Lighthouse. We got to go inside the lighthouse and see the fresnel lens, and learned about the treaty that was made with the Native Americans to buy the land for the lighthouse.

There was lots of history to see at Point No Point.

And we saw a bald eagle!

Then we had a picnic lunch and the boys played at the beach.

Apparently this is a good place to spot whales from the beach.

This was totally worth the hour and a half drive!

I’m looking forward to more summer family fun!

Who knew

Who would have ever thought Mother’s Day could be so emotional? I can remember before we had TJ feeling a little sad on Mother’s Day because we had been trying for 2 years and hadn’t become parents yet. I’ve been celebrating this holiday for 10 years as a mom, and don’t remember crying on it this much ever before. In 2015 we had our first miscarriage, only 13 weeks along, and we lost the baby in May. Maybe it was just so long ago, that I don’t remember, or maybe I’ve blocked it as a coping mechanism.

This year we lost our second baby in March. He was 18 weeks and I had to deliver him and burry him. I guess it’s the freshness of those feelings (which I thought I was processing just fine) along with the anniversary of our first miscarriage that is just compounding the emotions.

I keep thinking: In addition to my 10 yr old and my 7 yr old, I should have a 3 yr old and be 2 months from delivering our 4th child. But both of those children are in heaven. I’m doing my best to stay positive and to trust God, but some days the tears just flow on their own. Today was one of those days. This is so hard and not many understand. I know it’s ok to be sad, but it makes everyone around me worry. And it’s embarrassing to randomly start crying in public. I wish I had a positive end for this post. That I could say “I did this, and feel better, with no more random tears”. But I can’t say that. I’m going to keep praying, hoping, and moving forward but I know, I will still randomly start crying (sometimes without even knowing why I started).

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